I’ve meditated by means of essentially the most painful moments. The moments that tear by means of your plans like a storm by means of glass. The type that make you sit on the sting of your mattress, numb. The type that pull somebody you’re keen on out of your life earlier than you’re prepared. When my father died younger it rocked me to the core. Meditation was my refuge.
And I’ll be trustworthy. It wasn’t simple. Throughout tough occasions, meditation isn’t some tranquil little ritual that makes all of it okay. It’s a gritty, breath-by-breath observe of staying while you wish to run, softening while you wish to struggle, and letting go when each cell in your physique desires to carry on.
I’m going to debate with you the way I’ve used meditation to simply accept modifications in life that straight up nuked my very existence. And alongside the way in which we’ll additionally talk about The Three Marks of Existence as a result of they’re important relating to acceptance.
The Downside: Change Hurts As a result of We Cling On
Most individuals dislike change, however change itself will not be the problem. The difficulty is that we resist change by clinging (upadana).
You lose your job, your accomplice leaves, a relative passes away ajd though you recognize you’ll be able to’t cease the change from occurring there’s this primal a part of you that grips tighter. It screams, “No. Not this. Not now.”
When my father handed I fought so arduous to disclaim actuality as a result of there have been so many issues left unsaid. However that resistance to alter, that clenching, that in itself intensified my grief.
Resisting. Clinging. That’s the reason for struggling. And it’s not simply emotional—it’s bodily. You’re feeling it in your chest, your abdomen, your throat. A resistance to what’s already occurred, as in case your physique is attempting to reverse time. For me when my dad handed it was like I used to be attempting to deliver him again to life by refusing to simply accept that he had handed.
Three Marks of Existence
In Buddhism, that is the territory of the Three Marks of Existence, visceral truths that present up when life stops enjoying good:
Anicca – the whole lot modifications.
Dukkha – attempting to make issues everlasting causes ache.
Anatta – there isn’t a fastened, unchanging self to guard.
| Mark | Pali Time period | Which means | Apply Perception |
|---|---|---|---|
| Impermanence | Anicca | All issues are in fixed change and nothing lasts endlessly. | Observe change in breath, sensations, and ideas with out resistance. |
| Struggling | Dukkha | Attachment to issues causes dissatisfaction and struggling. | Discover clinging and soften your grip when discomfort arises. |
| Non-Self | Anatta | There is no such thing as a everlasting, unchanging self on the core of expertise. | Watch how your sense of id shifts second to second. |
While you sit with these “marks”—not learn them, however sit with them—they cease being concepts. They develop into instruments. Anchors. Doorways. The keys to accepting change.
Why It Hurts: We Need Life to Keep Nonetheless
We wish the good things to final endlessly. We wish the arduous stuff to finish on our phrases. We wish to know who we’re, and have that id keep neat and intact.
However that’s simply not how life works.
Let me inform you what it’s like while you lastly face that fact. You’re on the cushion, coronary heart racing, grief churning, and your ideas are screaming: “I can’t do that. I don’t know who I’m anymore.”
After which one thing small shifts.
You breathe. You’re feeling the feeling of breath—simply breath. You don’t repair the grief. You don’t repair your self. You simply keep. And in that staying, you start to see: Nothing right here is everlasting. Not the grief. Not the id. Not the thought saying you’ll by no means be okay. Once I realised this I sighed essentially the most heartfelt sigh of my life, as a result of I realised, with each disappointment and aid, that the struggle I used to be in to carry on to my dad and the quantity of grief I used to be feeling, even that may go.
And that’s what Buddhists name anicca, impermanence. Not simply that the whole lot modifications however that the ache we really feel due to the change, that itself will change to, though at occasions it won’t really feel that manner.
How To Meditate To Settle for Change
1. Recognise Anicca — See Impermanence within the Physique
Each meditation is a masterclass in change when you let it’s. Watch your breath. It shifts consistently. Scan your physique. Sensations come and go like climate. Even your consideration wanders. Nothing stays. And that’s the reality that saves us.
Sit. Breathe. Hold it easy. No tough methods right here. Select one anchor—your breath, the sensation in your fingers, a sound. Watch it rise. Shift. Fade. Don’t power it. Simply observe. Say gently in your thoughts: “That is altering. That is passing.” You’re educating your nervous system to witness change with out panicking. You’re training letting go in actual time.
3. Recognise Dukkha — the ache of wanting issues to remain.
Recognise Dukkha, which is usually misinterpreted as “struggling” however actually is the fixed friction between how issues are and the way you would like they’d be. You’re in an exquisite second, and a whisper in your head says, “I hope this by no means ends.” That’s dukkha. You’re in ache, and one other voice says, “I shouldn’t be feeling this.” That’s dukkha, too. It’s the strain of craving permanence in an impermanent world.
Discover the discomfort. Don’t keep away from it. Go to it. Possibly it’s tightness within the intestine. A thought looping. A sense of being misplaced. Identify it softly: “That is wanting. That is pushing away. That is ache.” Then breathe. To not repair it. To not transcend it. Simply to remain. Ultimately, you’ll see: the struggling will not be within the change—it’s within the struggle.
5. Recongise Anatta (Non-Self)
This one breaks the mind when you’re not prepared. However when you’ve ever appeared within the mirror after an enormous life change and whispered, “I don’t know who I’m anymore,” then you definitely’ve already met anatta.”
There is no such thing as a fastened, unchanging “self” behind your eyes. What you name you is at all times in flux: reminiscences, feelings, roles, preferences, habits. And when life strips a kind of away—your job, your accomplice, your youth—you panic as a result of the story collapses. I definitetly felt this one when my father handed. He had been such an enormous a part of my life that it completely challenged how I noticed myself. However the miracle was that though what I considered “Me” had been shattered, I used to be nonetheless there, I nonetheless existed.
You’ve modified a thousand occasions and survived each model.
Apply watching the Self flicker
Sit and observe sensations. Then ideas. Then feelings. Ask gently: “Is that this me? Is it everlasting? Is it controllable?” Watch how your id morphs based mostly on temper, reminiscence, or pressure in your again. You’re not erasing your self. You’re seeing by means of the concept you have been ever stable. And that’s the place freedom begins.
One nice train for this step is self inquiry.
A Second to Let It Land
Let this breathe. This isn’t a lesson you cram. It’s a fact you soak up.
So do that:
- Sit with eyes closed. Really feel your breath.
- Recall to mind an actual change you’re scuffling with.
- Discover the sensations. Don’t chase ideas—simply let the physique communicate.
- Say: “That is altering.” “That is dukkha.” “This isn’t who I’m.” Breathe. Let go of the story, only for now. Let the second be what it’s. That’s how change begins to lose its tooth.
What Occurs When You Hold Working towards
- You cease bracing for all times to go incorrect.
- You cease needing certainty earlier than you act.
- You cease attempting to carry the whole lot collectively.
- And one thing wild occurs: you develop into extra alive. Not as a result of life stopped shifting, however since you stopped attempting to pin it down.
Remaining Ideas
Should you’re within the thick of it—if life is falling aside quicker than you’ll be able to course of—pause right here with me.
You’re not damaged. You’re being reshaped.
Not in some poetic, Instagram manner. In the way in which iron bends in hearth. In the way in which id melts while you lose what as soon as outlined you.
That is what observe is for. To not make you good. To not make you calm. However to present you one thing actual to carry when the whole lot else is slipping.
Dont meditate to flee. Meditate to remain—with the mess, with the grief, with the unknown. That’s the observe: exhibiting up, many times, even when it hurts.
Change is coming. It at all times does. That’s not a menace—it’s the rhythm of life. However you don’t have to satisfy it swinging. You may meet it open.
The Three Marks of Existence aren’t guidelines for non secular individuals. They’re truths for anybody studying methods to stay:
- Anicca reminds you that nothing lasts—and that’s what makes this second treasured.
- Dukkha reveals you that clinging causes ache—so that you study to loosen your grip.
- Anatta whispers that you simply’re not a set factor—so that you’re allowed to develop into somebody new.
You don’t clear up these truths. You breathe by means of them. You ache by means of them. You reside by means of them. And also you emerge—perhaps nonetheless uncooked, however undeniably modified. Softer. Braver. More true.
Paul Harrison is a meditation instructor with 20+ years of expertise and a deep ardour for serving to others. Identified for his empathy and genuine strategy, he’s devoted to guiding people and groups towards mindfulness, readability, and well-being.
