Empty-nest season is sort of upon us. This ceremony of passage within the parental journey kicks into excessive gear in late summer time and is usually crammed with dread and unhappiness—particularly for girls—as their kids head off into the world.
Rethinking the “Empty Nest” Narrative
It’s simple to purchase into the narrative the patriarchy would have us consider: that when our kids are launched, we now not have a job in society. That we’re used up. That our lives simply languish in entrance of us—our solely pleasure arriving when our children stumble house with duffel luggage stuffed with soiled laundry and empty bellies prepared for house cooking. However I feel it’s bullshit.
I typically marvel if we’ve created a self-fulfilling prophecy round the entire empty-nest factor. Am I unhappy as a result of I feel I’m alleged to be unhappy? If I’m not strolling round with a field of tissues all day, what does that say about me as a mom? Does it imply I don’t love my youngsters sufficient?
(NOTE: I’m by no means making mild of ladies who cope with very actual signs of melancholy right now. If that is your expertise, please attain out to your physician or therapist.)
What If We Noticed It as Progress As a substitute of Loss?
What if we didn’t anticipate that this variation could be onerous? What if we acknowledged it as the following wholesome step within the evolution of our household—and ourselves? Our kids are alleged to go off into the world to do their factor. By permitting them the area to alter and adapt, we get the possibility to do the identical.
Too typically, our experiences are compressed into both/or situations. You’re both the devoted mom who cries at each reminder of her baby, otherwise you’re the impassive one who turns the bed room into a house gymnasium the day after they transfer out.
However what if we allowed ourselves to be each?
Residing within the Center Manner
Our lived experiences present we’re way more difficult than a binary alternative. There may be at all times the choice of the center approach—permitting your self to be within the liminal area of not figuring out.
An empty nest is totally about loss and shifting into a brand new id. However what in the event you acknowledged that grief—and as a substitute of letting it swallow you—used it as gasoline to develop into a brand new model of your self? Might you progress ahead into that new id with each pleasure and curiosity?
A Single Mom’s Perspective
As a single mom, I discover the liberty of moving into an empty nest slightly intoxicating. There are issues I wish to do with my life that I can’t when my world is so closely intertwined with my kids. I’m not abandoning them—they’re off having new experiences in new locations. Why ought to I be caught in the identical outdated life, simply ready for Thanksgiving break?
I by no means had this type of company in my 20s. Again then, I didn’t actually know who I used to be or what I wished. I compromised on goals earlier than I even had them found out—busy paying down pupil debt and following boyfriends across the nation. My 20s have been centered on ticking off a guidelines: get married by a sure age, have kids by a sure age.
Now? I’ve been there and achieved that. What’s subsequent?
Extra Than Distraction
That is the purpose in most articles the place I’m alleged to say: go get a pastime, be a part of a membership, take up pickleball. However these can simply be new methods to distract your self so that you don’t must really feel.
What if I recommended one thing totally different?
It’s not about distraction—it’s about turning into so deeply conscious of your self it virtually hurts.
I would like you to carry grief and pleasure on the identical time, which suggests being current in each second.
I would like you to get comfy with being uncomfortable.
I would like you to ask your self what feels true proper now—and never be so numb with distractions you could’t reply.
Some days, nothing will really feel true. Your physique, profession, and relationships might all be in flux. However that flux provides you the area to determine who you actually are. It’s an opportunity to rewrite your story so it’s aligned with the individual you are actually. We get to shed the load of individuals, locations, and issues which can be now not ours to hold.
Stepping Into What’s Subsequent
None of this can really feel simple. It gained’t occur in a single day. You gained’t get up the morning after your baby leaves together with your new id in place. Will probably be uncooked and messy. However you will have a alternative: step into the mess with heaviness and dread—or with risk and pleasure.
The Empty Nest and Coping Mechanisms
In my work with girls exploring their relationship with alcohol, the empty nest typically performs a job in elevated nightly consuming. Distractions begin out harmless sufficient: completely happy hours, high-intensity exercises, countless scrolling, or extra-long workdays.
The hazard comes when these distractions develop into addictions—once they flip into coping methods. You’ll be able to slide into a spot of darkness with out even realizing it’s occurring.
Eradicating distractions—or at the very least turning into conscious of them—permits you to reconnect with elements of your self you could not have touched in years.
In case you’re interested by exploring your relationship with alcohol, please attain out and e book a STRONGER SOBER session right here. —Krysty
